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So, we've got a new Prime Minister. Julia Gillard, too - the atheist childless democratic socialist, of all people. Fuck yeah, people. I sincerely hope that the Australian public votes Labor back in. I am doubting it, but I really hope I am surprised and they do. She seems as though she knows how to handle douchbag press people too, if that press conference was anything to go by. I hope that as labor leader she abolishes the clean feed and focuses more heavily on asylum seeker/refugee programs and funding. And ofcourse mental health. Those are the three platforms that i feel most strongly about, with education standards coming in at a close fourth.

I wrote to my nearest Labor senator as part of the GetUp! campaign over mental health reform and improvement. I actually wrote a pretty long letter,  and suggested a number of ways they could improve inpatient/outpatient services without increasing costs. And then i talked about the government setting up a preventative mental health program where anyone could receive ongoing care (in the form of psychology, psychiatry, group services, etc). All we have currently is really acute care; I think having free services would improve a lot of people's lives. That's such a huge undertaking though, and it would cost a lot not only to set up but to maintain. Sigh.

Ever since I saw Kevin Rudd's debate against John Howard I have disliked him. He's been such a smug bastard throughout his whole term as Prime Minister, and i have heard since he was such a perfectionist he often made his staff work 22 hour days. If it's true, that sucks. That being said, his farewell speech made me SOB, I was at Ri and Suzie's house at the time and i was bawling. Especially when he mentioned how he'd improved cancer research/prevention, and the organ donation rate rising. UGH, SO EMOTIONAL. If you are not on the organ donor register, i implore you to join up. At the very least, tell your loved ones you want to donate your organs after you die; you probably will be saving more than one person's life.

I think 99% of Aussies were watching KRudd's speech, and it was a pretty good one. I would've been more inclined to like him if he had shown that kind of emotion earlier; I felt as if I really saw his passion for politics only during that speech. Whether he's just a good actor or not? I don't know. I guess I feel sorry for Rudd the person, but definitely not Rudd the politician. I just don't like some of the decisions that he personally has enforced.

If i were leader of this country/the world I would
  • Donate all extra money (ie after personal bills) that I earned during my time as PM to a charity of my choosing. I'd rotate my pay between the Schizophrenia Fellowship, Kidney Health Australia, Amnesty International, and the Australian Red Cross
  • Start up a HAES program in schools
  • Implement mandatory non-crap empathy and diversity training in schools and workplaces
  • Begin a nationwide a mental illness prevention plan
  • Create a humane and respectful way to help, accomodate and process all refugees, asylum seekers and anyone else who needs our help
  • Offer tax-incentives for venture capitalists to invest in the arts in Australia
  • Raise all educators' rates of pay by a minimum $20,000 a year
  • Begin a rewards program for teachers, where the more they can contribute to the craft, the more money they earn. Who receives the rewards will be judged by a nationwide peer-review system, and any teacher can take part.
  • Work with farmers to improve environmental standards without sending them bankrupt
  • Build more renewable energy plants
  • Provide equitable care and funding to those in indigenous communities, particularly with regards to health and education
  • Encourage more community building/creating activities by offering more public festivals, social gatherings and free arts programs
  • Abolish bandwidth caps
  • Start a green car company
  • Buy an ipad
Yep, that's about it for now. What would you do?

Ramblorers, more than meets the eye

I went off my antidepressants/mood stabilizers/antipsychotics again about two weeks ago. I was doing okay this time. Partly it's because I wanted to get them totally out of my system to see what the difference would be, partly it was because i really really hate taking them. I'm so sick of my mood stabilizers in particular - it's made me unable to eat skittles ever again. (My pills taste like the purple skittles and they don't sell unflavoured versions of Lamictal in Australia.) BUH.

Last time i went off them I said I wouldn't do that again. Well I'm obviously a big liar, heh. My mood has been pretty crappy in general, but I haven't had any visual hallucinations. That's a nice change. I also haven't had the fragmented thinking that has previously come with going off my antipsychotics; i can still hold pretty good conversations and I don't think the government is spying in me from my air conditioner. So yay for not going off the deep end again. There's also the concern that I don't really know if my emotions are stemming from being physically sick...I mean, I've had glandular fever, ross river fever and CMV for months now and that's been driving me crazy on its own. So what do I do? Only time will tell me when my body recovering, and because my immune system sucks balls it could be anywhere from one week to several years! I thought I was getting a bit better lately, but the past couple of days are showing me that I need to take it easy. I apparently also have a heightened risk of contracting CFS, and if that happens i'm going to be stabby. I have two friends who have it and they go through so much pain; the idea of getting it freaks me OUT and makes me angry. Someone needs to find a cure for that already.

It's weird though; I'm so happy with some aspects of my life (Richard, family, true friends), but my general feeling is one of bleh. Acceptance, but not in a good way. Happiness, but apathy? I can't describe it. I'm content for the most part, but just.... something is missing inside me. Part of it stems from missing Richard so much it hurts, but for the most part it's more having too much time for thinking, and not enough ability for action. I want to get out there and do things. I want to volunteer again. Just do something other than watching tv and reading and playing carcassonne for the iphone.

I don't want to be artificially happy. I never really felt I was while taking my meds, but in going off them I see the raw pain that they have covered up. I don't want to feel this blanketed depression that's been occurring lately, you know? I'm scared that being on medication makes me miss out on genuine emotion though. How fucked up is that? I don't want to be unhappy but I don't want to be too happy?! What I think I'm going to do is go back on the antidepressants, and see how I am. If that works, I wont take anything else.

I'm studying at the moment. Introduction to Psychology as well as Statistics. It's been really interesting so far! I also think that psychology has a practical application, regardless of whether I end up doing it as a career or not. It's helping me to understand my own mental health, and making me a lot more empathetic to others. I like that. It's interesting looking at cognition of mental processes, and how things can be helped/changed/avoided/confronted/etc. Everyone should study some psychology in their lives, it's putting me in tune with myself and others.

I've also become a vegetarian. This is old news; I technically did it a couple of months ago, but it's easy to forget to update people on this stuff. I am craving  raspberry pancakes hardcore. If someone could come to moggill and make me some, I shall forever be indebted to you. Ok? Ok.

stupid brain.

I decided not to take my antidepressants anymore about a week ago.

Today contained the first anxiety attack i've had in ages that ended up with a full blown panic attack.

I'm still shaky and kind of upset and needing of... something.

Guess I can't do without them. At least I was smart enough to stay on the antipsychotics. Heh. Last time I went off them was in 2006, after taking pills/walking into traffic/seeing visions of children being decapitated.

Talking about these things openly scares me, because most people here have only known me from 2007 onwards, and I was much better by then.

I'm sad that I can't live without being medicated. I'm sad and scared and all alone.

Vajazzling.

I'm laying pretty low at the moment. Nothing new, except my doctor is now testing me for things other than glandular fever. I'll know tomorrow. I'm still fairly exhausted, sleeping sixteen hours a day, and my joints are being a bitch right now. Particularly my lower back and my knees. So now she's testing for weird things like ross river fever, and a few other things. What the fuck, body. She took five (FIVE!?) vials of blood the other day.

Stupid body.

All of the depression and illness aside, i'm actually okay. It's my birthday on sunday. I was going to have a lady gaga themed costume party, but it's going to be delayed until i'm feeling better. It might end up being a going away party at this stage!

So, how are you? I want to know about your life, please.
I've been really out of it the past few weeks. My glandular fever seems to be getting worse if anything. I've mainly been sleeping 16-20 hours a day, and it's fucking killing me. My lack of ability to do anything has also caused depression to set in.  It's all okay really, I'm just... I dunno. The world isn't a great place right now. I'm also missing Richard HARDCORE, as well as the few friendships I feel i haven't let go to ruin. It sucks; i feel as though everyone just sees me as "that girl" now, the one who cancels/pikes on everything. I wish i could somehow help people understand that i'm not being a bitch and ignoring them right now. I just can't do anything! 

My sister cut my hair today, to try and fix the damage i did to my fringe a few weeks ago.(i called it Andy Warhol fringe.) Now though? I look like a curly-haired he-man, but in a weird way i'm kind of digging it.  It's been ages since i've had short(ish) hair, because my old hairdresser thinks that my face doesn't suit it. This is very thinly (hah) veiled fatphobia.  It's subconscious and ingrained, I'm sure, but it still sucks. Getting margy to do it was only a cost-cutting option since I have zero cash - I'm trying to pay off my credit card debt before spending anything else. One of the good things about being a hermit means I'm not spending a lot of money right now though, so that's a plus I guess... I've paid $3000 from my debt since getting back to Brisbane, and that's fucking impressive on a Centrelink budget.

Anyway, that's all. 

Butts of buttsville.

 I'm finding myself completely isolated at the moment. Having glandular fever is infuriating to me - I want to get out and do things and have a job, and just do things. Everything is tiring at the moment, and it's making me feel sufficiently out of the loop. As though all my friends are having fun and leading awesome lives, but i'm stagnant and blergh.

I know it's a feeling that everybody gets, but FUCK man. I hate this emotion, I hate the sheer desperation that I am feeling for friendship and need for sociality. 

It's normally not so bad because i do like hanging out with myself, but it's because nothing can really be done when i'm in this exhausted state.

On friday i'm having lunch with my friend Deeks. Hopefully I can make an afternoon of it instead of going home stupidly early.

Survey says?

 I'm all kerfuffled as to what I want to do in life.  Do I really want to be a photographer?  I don't even know if I want to be running my own business, honestly.  All i really want to do is garden, surf the internet, cuddle wendell, and talk to people.

One of the organisers of the Bizness Babes program contacted me, inviting me to some thing where I get to show off my advertising material for the business. To be honest, I feel like a bit of a failure.  And it's not really even that, it's more that I just don't know what I want to do. I'm so conflicted. One side of me says "hey, i'll do that" and then another says "oh, i'll do that instead!" Even now, I'm browsing tafe/uni websites to see if anything pops out at me.  Behavioural Science sounds cool. So does Cabinet Making. So does Education.  And a million others.  This is the thing: I like too many things, so much so that I can't seem to choose just one.

Being a quitter is one of my big problems in life.  I just don't seem to follow through with a lot, and that's currently causing me problems. I mean, I get bored and discouraged so easily that often I give up before I even try. I'm sure that's one of the reasons I'm getting so many rejection letters for jobs. And I'm not even that fussed about the rejections, as annoying as they may be.  Perhaps that's another reason I'm not being hired: I'm just not passionate about the work. All I want is the money so I can get to Richard faster. Although.... my resume is freakin' awesome, and ofcourse I wouldn't ever tell anyone that I'm not totally passionate about data entry. Ofcoure I am! It's WONDERFUL. *cough*

All i know is that I want a career that is helping people, in one way or another.  I love helping others so so much, but there are so many ways (both careerwise and socially) that I don't really know what to do.  Perhaps I should write a list of all the things I can picture myself wanting to do. Oh, I don't know honestly.  It's just frustrating to see myself in many careers, because I don't know what I should choose.

In other news, my mum has started a second job tutoring two hours a week at UQ.  I'm actually really proud of her, because I know this is something she was interested in doing. Plus I think she'll make a really awesome tutor for someone, and help people see that being a douche isn't the only way to get by in business. (She'll be tutoring Public Relations, how awesome is that!)

Feb. 25th, 2010

 For the most part my mental illness is 100% under control. Occasionally (like right now) I am overcome with a wave of emotion that hits me like a tonne of bricks. Luckily right now it's a good wave, and i'm swimming in love until my fingers get all prune-y.

I just have to say that I am thankful for each and every one of you, for so many different reasons.  I love you all for who you are, and the lives you lead.  I am so thankful that you've allowed me into each of your worlds, even if it's only a little bit.

So i am here at the photography unit of UQ. The reason i am eljaying is because we are waiting for the IT guys to pick up their phones. If this doesnt happen in the next hour, i am probably going to go home, because there is fuck all for me to do without database access. It is cool being around all this photographic equipment tho, i really want to play with everything.

Especially the large scale printer i am sitting next to. Mmmmmm A1.

More later!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Dream dream dream

 I had a dream last night that I was at the Mental Health unit in the RBH, waiting for an appointment.  Instead of going to the reception desk to sign in, I went upstairs to one of the wards and impersonated a registrar psychiatrist. I helped an indian boy, who was feeling suicidal, in talking to his parents and telling them how stressed he was by school.  I felt as if I really made a difference in this boy's life.  

Then my former psychiatrist came in and yelled at me - saying I had no formal qualifications and that I should be ashamed of myself for impersonating a doctor.

I then stole the boy's BMX bike and rode to freedom. Freedom in this case happened to be a Mad Max-esque world, where Tina Turner wouldn't stop chasing me and shaking a bone in my face. I had to do a flip over an unfinished freeway to get away from her.

Oh medication, you give me the most entertaining dreams.

Richard's birthday dinner.

I am the beacon of domesticity these days.  I even get up early to make Richard a packed lunch.  Next it'll be fifties poodle skirts and how a woman's place is in the home.  (lawl kidding, geez.)

Tonight I am making him (and the family) a steak dinner.  Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans, and four cheese macaroni.  For dessert? Margarita pie and strawberry shortcake.  

I'm going to need a job asap when I get back.  If anyone has any recommendations I will give you a dollar. 
On monday I did a photo shoot with my friend David for Rosie's; a charity that helps homeless people in a number of ways. While they have their roots in catholicism, i really agree with what they do on a larger scale; I think it's important for people to feel cared about. For people to know they are worth the effort is an important part of life, for me at least. It seems as though a lot of homeless people are ignored by the general population because they aren't considered pleasant or attractive in any form... and that's a pity when people do that, in my opinion. I believe that every human has value, and everyone has their own beauty to contribute to the world. It's sad when people don't step outside whatever their own little box is to see that.

If anyone wants to take a look at the photos, i've posted some over onto Flickr. I was trying to convey the loneliness that can come with being a homeless person, and the feeling of despair that many must go through. I borrowed my cousin's camera; a Canon EOS 500D. I gotta admit it's a pretty sweet piece.  When I get back from the Americas I am considering getting one. Well, maybe I'll work it into the business loan thing I plan to apply for in the future. Otherwise it'll be a couple of years, heh.

This shoot really cemented the fact that I love photography, but also that I feel I am good enough at it to earn a crust.  Mum has several friends who I could do work experience for (if i asked nicely), and for me it's a continual learning process without being boring or daunting. 


Other than that, I am a little sad today.  I miss having Annie sleep on my bed so much so that I am getting little pangs in my stomach as I think about it. She was a good friend, and the fact that we equally loved cuddles was really awesome. I miss that cat.

Love to all, especially Evan.




I saw Grug books for sale in the window of a bookstore on Wednesday. I nearly hyperventilated, the fact they are bringing him back is awesome. For those who don't know, my LJ icon is a picture of Grug, who is possibly my favourite fictional character of all time. (Either him or Jesus, i can't make up my mind just yet.)

This week has been fraught with unusual. Next week involves quite a lot of awesome and unusual.

Yay awesome and unusual.

Today I am thankful I don't live on Kessels Road, for Suzie, for Richard, and for mum.

Yay, friends.
I've been thinking about what I'm going to do career-wise for a little while now. In case I didn't mention it, Natalie and I have disbanded the partnership to take on other commitments. Thoughts of my career are overwhelming me, truth be told. How the fuck can I have had this many existential crises when i'm so young? It's bizarre. I kind of want to pursue the idea I had, of becoming a wedding and portraiture photographer... but I'm worried I won't be good enough. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of doing the business plan too, and having to do all that market research and... yeh. I don't know, it's a scary proposition. That being said, if I did up a good enough business plan, I could apply for a loan through the bizness babes program for the equipment and startup capital needed, so that would take care of a big concern for me.

I am scared of failure. I am scared of quitting. I don't want to be a quitter for the rest of my life. Giving up when discouraged is such a me thing to do, and I'm over doing it to be honest. I don't want to give up on something just because it's hard, or for that particular moment i'm not enjoying it. Most of you already know that's something I've done in the past, and while often it's because of my mental health... occasionally it's just because I'm bored/tired/sad/lazy.

Should I go for it? I'm scared, for so many reasons. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a blanket and never resurface, but if I don't stop living in fear my life is going to be cripplingly bland. I don't want my mental illness to control my life. It's a part of me and I have come to terms with that for the most part, but it will not control my life. I do not want to look back and feel disgust at the person I was, and I will if I don't take a chance. However I fear failure, and I would need to do an immense amount of market research before even contemplating taking this step. That's something I might actually be able to do before my trip though; it would keep me busy to say the least.

The business aspect aside, I am unsure I am a good enough photographer to succeed. As sad as this is to say, I don't believe you have to be the best photographer in the world to succeed in it as a business - looking at many portfolios has taught me that. I'd like to think I have an okay eye for things, but I would also need to learn the intricacies of photoshop (oh god help). If anyone wants to spend an afternoon or two helping me out, I'd gift you a free photo shoot. Or pay you in hugs, spinach pie, and car rides.

My new perfume smells of goji berries and oranges. It's intoxicating.

So how you doin'?
I've missed too many days of livejournal to be bothered catching up on my faves. If you were past 160 entries back, you've missed me. If something major is going on, do tell me though, as I do care but have been busy with doctors appointments.

The results of my catscan were "inconclusive" which means they found fuck all. On the plus side, this means I don't have a brain tumour. EETS NADDA TUMA. On the minus it means I still don't know the cause of the headaches/nosebleeds - though i've only had one superbad nosebleed so far this week so i'm well chuffed. I know it's bad but unless it's a gushing torrent, i just sniff the blood down my throat. I like the taste of of my blood, weirdly.

I got my driver's licence on monday. It's freaking me out more than a little bit, but OH MY GOD i'm loving the freedom it's giving me. Granted, i really can't afford petrol and i'm using it like it's going out of style, but meh. My credit card will just have to deal, okay? I have just needed to get out of the house, and the car has been an awesome outlet for me to do that. The novelty will wear off soon I'm sure, but until then... MAN it's fun.

Other than that, not a lot has been going on in my life. I'm taking on a lot of domestic responsibilities such as washing and ironing, since I am currently feeling utterly useless regarding my "career". The real thing is that I don't know what I want to do. I kind of want to be a photographer, but i'm scared about it. Firstly because it's something I enjoy doing and I'm afraid of ruining it, but secondly because I'm not sure I'm good enough.

I don't know. UGH. Deciding on a career is really difficult for me. It always has been; I could do anything if i applied myself, and everything interests me a fair bit.... but it's difficult to find passion, yaknow? (NO TIMMY NOOO lol Passions) All I know is that I want to help people, in one way or another. Make others feel good about themselves, and help them realise how awesome they are/can be. I am passionate about that more than anything else, as my feelings of joy often feed from other peoples' joy... Is that weird? Probably, but eh. I don't care much even if you think it is!

Okay, bed now. Need to wake up at stupid o'clock to drive mum to work.

Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell.

When I was a kid and lived in Taringa, mum used to take us to one of the local parks - the rocketship park, we called it. It basically had a giant (quite dangerous) structure in the shape of a rocketship, that you could climb up. Oh my god, we'd spend HOURS on it. They took it down probably fifteen years ago, but I still call the park the rocketship park. It's funny the things you remember.

I got my driver's licence today. Phew, that was a freakin scary ordeal, because he made me do a hillstart and a reverse park AND drive on the ipswich motorway. At least I didn't have to do a 3 point turn, else I probably would have failed. Tomorrow after I get my catscan results, I'm going to go on a photo expedition around Brisbane. YAY DRIVING.

If anyone fancies joining me, lemme know.

Too tired to write more.

Tell me a memory from your childhood.
I can't sleep. Boo-urns.

Tell me stories.
Today I am thankful for friends who pull me out of my emotional quagmires - especially Ri, Sarah and Lucas.

I am SO thankful that the headache I've had for the past month and a half disappeared this afternoon, and hasn't yet returned. Fuck YES. It's nice not to feel as miserable, and hopefully it'll last.

I'm also thankful that my aunt loves me as much as I love her. I should do something nice for her. What do you think I should do?

I am thankful that I didn't crash the car this evening, and for singing along to the Beatles with my mum.

I am thankful that the bad times pass, and all of my friends still love and care about me even when I'm being silly. Know that I love and care about you all, too.

<3<3

will the real slim shady please stand up.

You are not a unique snowflake.

And you do not deserve special treatment simply because you think you are clever or wonderful, or talented. And anyway, you squander what talent you do have because you give up on everything. Seriously, everything. You make the wrong decisions time and time again - even when people offer you the right ones. You are not more deserving - in fact you are LESS deserving than most people because you're a self-involved wanker who can't step outside of their own world long enough to realise that actions have consequences. Words have power, actions have consequences, and no matter how much you say you're okay on the surface, everybody knows the truth. Everybody knows you're a weak, lonely, talentless ditz.

Today I hate my brain.
I feel sad. Fucking emotions. It's also partly because I am feeling useless; my inability to do anything is really creating brain havoc. It's interesting, because even if i weren't incapacitated with the whole illness thing, I doubt I would be doing anything anyway. Before this all came on I was feeling a bit useless and... yeah. I still feel unmotivated and sad. I mean, what's the fucking point you know? I can't rely on myself let alone other people; it's all too hard and disappointing to be honest. I want to give up right now.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can make money quickly? The catscan and mri are going to eat up my new york money, so i need to think of a way to raise funds quickly. 71 days quickly. Bonus points if I can do it from bed.

Get off my lawn.

In my times of feeling depressed, lonely and isolated it is really easy to forget that many many people also feel the same way. And while each person's experience is different, I hope others also take comfort in the fact that they, ironically, aren't alone in their loneliness.

My health has gone from bad to worse - I don't know if I will be leaving the house this week. On top of the dizzying headaches, i'm getting gushing nosebleeds at least twice a day. I'm just... so tired of it. Going back to the doctor this week. I just feel so weak and... useless. The illness, whatever it is, is feeding my depression. Wanting to be social and not being physically able to is something that i really haven't missed - the last time this happened was..... five years ago? A while, anyway.

I don't understand doing things to be ironic. I see all these scene kids who wear outfits that require explanation and it really truly bothers me - not because I think they should stop expressing their style, but because 99% of them are pretentious precocious wankbats who need a good hard dose of reality.
I may be turning into a grumpy old woman.

Tings.

I just spent a good five minutes watching my mum sort laundry. I know this sounds incredibly voyeuristic but I really enjoy watching people who don't know they are being watched. In a similar vein, I've been thinking about doing some photography. If any of you people (in Brisbane at least) are keen on helping me expand my portfolio, let me know in the comments, or flick me an email.

I've been coping with depression recently.  I know it's mainly situational, but... yeh.  The lows have been winning out.

It's funny, but I've also recently let go of a lot of crap I was hanging onto to. Whether I needed to hang onto those emotions and memories to feel something, or just because I couldn't forgive myself for things that weren't even my fault.... I now have closure. It only took 10-15 years of hardcore analysing, but yep.  I'm moving onwards.

What do you think I should write about?


On my friends list:

Someone is Sylvia Plath
Someone is Coco Chanel
Someone is Salvador Dali
Someone is Tony Hawk
Someone is Noel Fielding
Someone is Beth Ditto
Someone is Paul Newman
Someone is Donald Trump
Someone is Oprah Winfrey
Someone is Robert Frost
Someone is the Dalai Lama.

It's 3am, I must be horny.

 I think that one of my friends may have sticky fingers.  After every party I have had, something has gone missing. First it was a book of my dad's, and then it was several of my DVDs, and now it's a small silver box owned by my mum. It sucks not being able to trust people. And I honestly cannot understand why you would or how you could steal something owned by a friend who has invited you into their home.

I don't think I'll be having any more parties here, to be honest. That makes me sad.

Things are otherwise going okay.  I am less depressed than yesterday, for the most part. I need to stock up on essentials like soap and moisturiser, but my cash supply is so low it's painful. Having this stupid Catscan has set me back financially, so i'm trying to put all my money into new york savings straight away. If the plane tickets were refundable I'd even consider postponing my trip - sadly that's not an option. Thank fuck i'm staying with friends for the most part, is all i can say.  Although I am doing a three night stint in NYC where I stay in a hotel - those are the nights I'm going to Broadway shows.  I'm actually thankful that one of my tickets was cancelled, because I really really don't have the cash for it.  It's fecking sad, man. I'm also staying at a hotel when I visit Julie and her fam in Virginia for Thanksgiving.  I am so excited about that, but nervous too. I hope I don't make a social faux pas.  

That's one of my biggest fears you know. The idea of offending someone mortifies me. The only fear I have that is greater is that people will realise how fraudulent my whole life is, and how i'm not nearly as good/fabulous/exciting/whatever as they first thought. 

I have deep issues with self worth, and how I believe others perceive me.  It is something I will continue to work on.  It is something that everyone has to deal with in one way or another. Change has happened in comparison to where I was ten years ago, and change will happen in the future. I look forward to a time where how I feel about the person on the inside matches how I feel about the person on the outside.  It's funny, most people hate the physical and are okay with their emotional sides.  I'm totally the opposite. A narcissist with emotional trauma, obviously.

It's too late to be awake.  Mum is taking me to the Ekka on friday, if anyone is interested in coming.
Today I feel sad. Unloved. Unlovable. Worthless, crappy, useless and a waste of space. I feel as though nobody wants me as a friend, lover, business colleague, family member. I am held at arm's length, and hold people in the same way for fear of emotional annihilation. And every connection I have worked at cultivating is all for naught. Because who am I?

I'm not doing anything, and it feels as though every time I take a chance and dip my toe into a new experience I fail at it miserably. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, and it's not fair of me to ask anyone to stop what they're doing just to placate me and my stupid feelings. I need to learn to harden the fuck up and just accept that I can't be friends with everyone. And that not everyone is going to like me.

Sometimes I feel as though I help people so they wont see how fragile I am.  But I am. So fragile. And I need help sometimes, but I don't know how to tell people. Sometimes I just want to scream "It's not always about you!!" but I know it wont stop. And the voices in my head ask why anyone would want to help me anyway? I just want someone to help me in the way I need to be helped, but I know it's not possible. Because nobody can.

I know this feeling will pass. I know it's just today.

But today I am intolerably inexorably alone.

Tags:

tl;dr future ramblor: activate

  So tomorrow I'm heading over to Sarah and Simone's house, to look after their adorable little guinea pigs and budgies for the weekend. I'm rather looking forward to it. Tomorrow I'm also having lunch with Celia and Cara, and then doing photos in the afternoon until i meet up with Shelly, Emile, Mark and... some other people I can't think of for dinner. It'll be good. I might go to btub afterwards, but probably not. Excessive sociality scares me a little bit.

Yeh, tomorrow afternoon I'm going to go exploring the city again, and take some photos.  There's something I find really amazing about taking photos, and I've lost touch with it over the past few years. I'm sad about that, but I plan to improve my skills in these next few months with doing some exploration.  It'll be easier once I get my licence; I have some locations in mind that I really want to shoot but it might be a bit difficult without a car.  I might also ask a few friends to improve my portfolio by taking some shots. Hmmm. It's something I'm going to work on because it's enjoyable to me.

It's weird, you know. The past few weeks I've really thought about what I want to be doing.  I don't want to work conventionally. Having an employer is a comfort, sure, but I've noticed that I'm kind of a control freak.  I hate being told what to do. And I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. This may mean poverty, this may mean working endless feckless casual jobs, this may mean living with my parents for the rest of my life. None of those things truly bother me, though. If they did then I would probably change it.

Is that weird?  It's weird I know.  People think I'm strange for enjoying living with my parents. I'm odd for loving my life as it as, I guess. My life... is odd.  I mean, my parents drive me batshit insane, but definitely not enough to make me need to move out. Mental illness controls a lot of the things I do, still. I'm aware that I'm not right in the head. But for the most part I've realised that I -really- don't care about living up to what other people think I should have, and should be. And it's weird, because I've always thought I should do things a certain way, be a certain person.

But I'm not. I'm me. Good and bad and awesome and all things in between, I'm me. I am not going to do what people think I should do if the only reason is because it's "the way it's done" yaknow? I'm not going to get sixty piercings and tattoos just to express my individuality (though I would if I wanted to) because that's not really who I am right now. 

I'm just musing. Trying to write more.  Today I am thankful for my mummy.





updatery.

I have been a busy bee recently. With four different business propositions (two with other people, and two on my own) I'm both overwhelmed and excited. At some stage in the future, i'm going to have to make a decision on which ones I want to pursue, but for now it's manageable. (that's mainly because people are too busy/unwell to do stuff, and while it sucks for them it's quite convenient for me right now.)

I am glad that I have left uni. It's not something I was interested in. I am glad my time is currently very flexible, because I don't really have the mental or physical capacity to take on everything right now. 

Dinner is ready.

I always say this, but I really am going to try to write in here more.  And I'm not going to censor anything anymore. That ends now.
I wish I knew how to harden the fuck up against my Dad.

His anger crumples me, and I can't rely on him changing so I need to... yeh. Harden up. I've tried everything with regards to CBT, i know why he does and says the things he does, i know all the theory behind it. I have discussed my feelings and concerns previously with him. He doesn't want to change, and it's unfair for me to expect him to, i guess.

I wish he realised how hurtful he can be. I wish he thought his family was more important than Freemasonry, and chess, and fishing. I wish he cared more about me in a conventional way instead of the bitchy snarky way. I wish for a lot of things that are out of my control. heh.

I get no kick from champagne

Today I saw my sister in a different light, and I have to say that I'm so fucking lucky she is in my life. I love her, more than words could ever express.  I... I am emotional right now, but the car trip we just had together was one of the more meaningful moments of my life. 

If more people were like her, the world would be a better place.

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Apply head to desk. Bang repeatedly.

 Why do people on the internet always assume that i am OUT TO GET THEM. I'm not, i swear! 

I'm a disgustingly cheerful person in the real world, do I just come off as a bitch or something on the internet? Is it me?? Am I a bitch?  WHY AM I A BITCH?!

For future reference: if i'm saying something with intent towards you, you'll know. Srsly, i'll go HEY BITCH, I HATE YOU AND YOUR VAGINA IS FULL OF MOULDY GRAVY. Or something. 

It's just ridiculous.

Ugh.

Things about me you may not know.


I am solutions oriented. But I had to train myself to be this way.

I am deeply insecure, but only when i'm around other people. When I am alone, i become enamoured with my intricacies. 

I love helping people, even (and often) when it's to my detriment.

I always assume people know better than I do.

I dismiss the things I do know and am good at as unworthy.

I feel like a talentless hack 90% of the time.

I compare myself to others too often.

I am really good at faking it.

I try to diffuse situations by trying to show people how the other side might be feeling. I have lost friends due to this tactic.

I'm sad a lot of the time.

I make friends easily.

I am bad at keeping up friendships, because I am scared of emotional intimacy.

My favourite word at the moment is flummery, which my aunt makes every time we go to her house.

My left breast is aching.




Halp.

I couldn't be bothered writing about things in my life right now - they all seem like random tidbits that have no cohesion, and frankly? I like cohesion.  Every time i say "frankly" i think about Lano and Woodley.

Ask me some questions, my lovely readers.  Tell me what you think I should be writing about.

quickie.

I have so much I want to write about today, but i'm so physically and emotionally drained that this entry is going to have to wait until tomorrow. But to remind myself (as well as give you a taste of things to come) here are some dot points.
  • Vilma
  • Feminist lady on the bus
  • Vicks man
  • Nanna day
  • Nanna night
  • British Ambos
  • Poirot
  • British security guard
  • Medical tv/movie/radio shows
  • Lack of insulation in my walls.
  • More on social jealousy and anxiety.
That's the treat you're in for tomorrow. Stay tuned.

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fat! so??

I'm going to make a commitment to post here every day for at least two weeks. This starts today. It's probably not going to be very interesting to anyone except myself, because I'm forcing myself to write. I have kinda sorta lost my writing mojo for anything more than 140 characters. Perhaps I shall forgo twitter for a little while, and get back into the whole journal thing.

For those who don't know, I am an advocate of fat acceptance, and killing all forms of discrimination against fats. Well, against anyone really, but my particular cause is eliminating bigotry towards fats. I feel that fat hatred is the last acceptable form of bigotry, and many people do not realise how their words and actions are utterly cruel and dehumanising. Today the Gruen Transfer had a big kerfuffle about a particular ad, which compared fat discrimination to things including the discrimination of race, religion and sexual preference. The ad in question wasn't shown on the show due to ABC editorial guidelines and how it may be offensive. We WERE given a link if we wished to visit the banned advertisement. http://www.antiprejudicead.net/ if you're interested.

Some of the comments in forums that have come from this have been positive; incredulous though it may seem, many people simply didn't realise how hurtful and cruel they were being. Others did, but didn't know how much of an effect it may have had. And then there was one other group, who said that comparing fats to jewish people, homosexuals or black people was completely erroneous - that the three groups discriminated against didn't have a choice when it comes to what they are discriminated against.

While I understand that we haven't had genocide, slavery or religious persecution to deal with, fats are daily (and often subconciously) discriminated against in one way or another. From the person who walks past me and says "wobble wobble wobble" into my ear to the chairs to that I can't comfortably fit into in the coffee shop to the disapproving stares if I'm eating out. From someone looking in my trolley and judging me when choosing ANYTHING at the store, right down to the sexual harrassment from drunk bogans who think I should be grateful simply because I'm fat. All of those incidents save one have happened in the past seven days. It happens more than people think. It's frustrating to see these sorts of attitudes. And let me clarify, I'm not saying that every type of discrimination is the same - it's obviously going to be completely circumstantial, differing greatly from case to case.

Even the Australian government is getting in on it, though. We have ads here saying if your waist measurement is over a certain size then you should really examine your lifestyle choices. It's under the heading "How will your choices measure up?", with the underlying tone of "YOU NEED TO BE SMALLER BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT WAY." This is what has happened (and sadly continues to happen in some places) with homosexuality. Because obviously they CHOOSE to be gay. It's their CHOICE but it's WRONG so let's PUNISH them. Make them feel bad for who they are, because it's our right! Because it's for the greater good! (Crusty jugglers!) Very few people CHOOSE to be fat. I personally have been large my whole life. I was shopping in adult sizes as early as nine years old, and was in plus sizes by eleven. And yes, I currently lead a sedentary lifestyle. But even when I was doing a fuckload of drugs and going days without eating, I was still a size fourteen at my smallest. And I was fucking unhappy then, let me tell you. There are SO MANY factors to weight. It's arrogant to assume that someone is chowing down on sticks of butter secretly, and that's why they're fat. Fucking people.

Fuck the supposed greater good. What right does anyone have to say what I should and shouldn't do with my body? I'm not hurting anyone, including myself! And why is my health based on arbitrary things such as like the Body Mass Index, instead of on an individual basis! Each human has a completely different body shape based on a number of genetic and physiological factors - none of which are incorporated into something as stupid as BMI. And yet people take it as gospel! It's ridiculous!!

Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of unhealthy fat people. But you know what? There are just as many unhealthy thin people! It should never be a size issue, it should ALWAYS be a health issue. Poor health does not automatically equate to fat. How do i measure up? Well, I have lower cholesterol and blood pressure than my (45 kilogram, size 6) sister, and while I personally do fuck all exercise, neither does she. And yet I am the one who receives the "should you really be eating that?" comments, and the lack of fashion choices. All of my fashion choices look like asymmetrical sacks.

I'm fat. So what? Whose business is that of anyone except myself? And as long as I like me, that should be all that matters. Skeletal stick figures aren't something to aspire to.
 I need to show people what it's like to live in my head.  

I need to figure out a way to do this.

Plan to start with a canvas, and see how I go.

Cramps are so many shades of evil that I want to cry. My back is sore, my front is sore.  I HATE MY UTERUS. I am also still buttacularly sick, and watched a really bad movie with jeff goldblum, alec baldwin and carrie-anne moss. And luke wilson. SO BAD. WHY DID I STAY AWAKE FOR IT.

I'm going to meet some dude from twitter tomorrow, pressdarling. He was bored and drunk and invited me for coffee, and I said yes because... I don't really know actually. I am bad with being social lately. Need to practice? Networking? I don't know.  It's an excuse to get out of the house, as my hermitude appears to be getting worse.

2am need sleeeep.

When i yawn, my left hand involuntarily makes a fist. Hunh.
I have hot rollers. I bought them with my sister's birthday money. Quite chuffed with the result, to be honest. It's going to take a little getting used to, but I'm glad that I've made this investment.

I hope to take more care of my physical appearance now I have a little more time. This is a shot without any product. I don't know how to use product without making my hair horrible, particularly the day after. At the moment I try not to overwash my hair, but I fear this may have to change if I use more stuff in my hair.




Now. Today I purchased my tickets to the americas. New York city from the 5th of November until the 30th of January.  Well, 28th, but i'll get back on the 30th due to crazy time differences. I'm lucky I have lots of friends who are letting me stay with them (particularly Bel and Richard, though I'll be mooching off Julie for thanksgiving, if she doesn't mind. ) 

I'm officially destitute for the rest of the year, so let's have some cheap/free get togethers, yes?

Pick a topic any topic.

I need writing stimuli. The less I write, the less I am creative. Sorry all, you're going to have to deal with more posts. Again.

I have two assignments to do by the end of the week. One for management that involves packaging jelly babies to bribe my tute group with, and one for interactive writing, which was due last week but I got an extension.

I may extend the extension to next wednesday, it was sort of unofficial anyway. Frankly my creativity has dried up, and I cannot seem to kickstart it no matter what tactics I try.

Today my psychiatrist called me and said that if I didn't show up for another appointment then they would close my case at the royal brisbane hospital. Way to go, mental health team. I didn't even know I *had* an appointment today; I have received no notification of said missed appointments, so how am I supposed to know? Guh.

Perhaps I should see a private psychologist and just get meds top ups from my GP instead. Really, that's probably a good option considering how silly the psycholog and psychiatry is at rbh. I would prefer someone more stable. Someone I might actually be able to rely on emotionally, yaknow?

It is all very vexing, as Mrs Bennett says.

Today also involved hanging about with Ri. We got Hanaichi at Garden City and then went to Trade Secret. Now back when I last went to trade secret (a while ago, granted) they had plus size clothing up the wazoo! And now? Well I certainly didn't see anything that would fit my flabulous chunktacularity. It made me sad. There was a woman at the markets the other day who said she didn't sell her dresses in larger sizes because there is no demand for them. I said politely "I am here, demanding dresses. If there were something here for me I would have passed the word on to my fellow fatshionistas. Consider it a missed business opportunity."

She looked at me as though I was about to kill her! Oh, good times. I like that I'm much more outspoken about being a fat these days. Because I am proud to be the stylish lady that I am, and won't let haters get me down! Two strangers even called me cute today, and I got three comments on my awesome boots of awesomeness. KNEE HIGH BOOTS THAT FIT ALL AREAS. From Kmart, no less! Fitty dollah.

Tl;dr: mental health services need improvement, as does fatshion and body love. Also: give me topics to stimulate creativity plz.

It's a March New Year!

I have a tendency not to post resolutions at the beginning of the year - i don't think most people stick to them, at least not the stereotypical "i will lose 20kgs and exercise every day and always start my assignments before the day they're due" ones. This is why previously I have made my resolutions in March.  Well, perhaps it's just laziness and my incessant desire to do things differently. I'm a rebel like that, yaknow.  Either way it has escaped me until now to make any firm goals for this year, and I do believe that should change.

Aaaaaanyway, i've been thinking about a few things recently and wanted to get them into the ether. Whether I achieve any of these is purely luck, donchaknow.

1. Eat more meals from home, instead of feeding my constant craving for starschmucks, teppanyaki time and lolly shop goodies. This is going to help my bank account, as well as (hopefully) improve my cooking skills.

......Man, even I don't believe that last part.  I may stop eating as much bought stuff, but if history dictates future actions then i'll be eating many crackers and cup noodles.  My cooking skills are always going to revolve around the easiest option possible, as I loathe cooking. Loathe it.  Several friends cook, and do some brilliantly nomable treats, but I find the whole cooking shenanigan to be horrific at best.  I cannot understand why people would even like cooking, let alone love it. (Though i'm glad you all do. Feel free to cook for me. Often.)

Perhaps I was cut out to be a snooty restaurant critic. Humm. TANGENT!

2. Debt free by Christmas.  I said this last Christmas, and i managed to do it somehow, but also managed to rack up an exorbitant amount on... stuff. I attribute 90% of the stuff to one ikea trip. One should never let me loose in such a place, it is riddled with temptation. Ikea addiction, yessirree!!

3. Work on my fitness levels.  I need to get my asthma checked out, because it's bitten me in the butt (or, lungs) even worse than usual with the seasonal change.  And i also found out that the whole low blood pressure thing (that I may have forgotten to tell you about) is because of a medication I can't stop taking, but it's not super-harmful to me. And i'm not bleeding internally, which is a plus.

These out of the way, I'd like to stop feeling like such a schlump.  It's just lethargy and a feeling of ookiness, and working out a little is going to help with these, I think. Energy is good.

4. Stop overreacting. Because... yeh. It's not working for anyone, at this stage.

So those are the goals for now, i guess.  Not huge for most people, but pretty big for me.

Tags:

 I want to have a portfolio/blog/something that displays the things I do, including written works. I have a problem though, illogical though it may be.

I'm surrounded by people who do it better. And i am not saying this in a specifically derogatory fashion towards myself, but I am terrible at most things creative. I see people who do everything better than me. People can draw, model, produce, direct, and edit better than I can. I feel as though I bring nothing particularly new, or even good to the table.  It doesn't stop me from doing new projects, however it does greatly discourage me in posting anything to the greater world.  Knowing that there are so many people (including my friends) who can do things better than I can.... makes me inadequate. And I don't really know how to overcome it. Or even if I should bother.  

Given the industry I am getting into, i feel it rather necessary to have a body of works, or at the very least a somewhat professional blog. I think this comes down to never feeling quite good enough in the world. I shouldn't be comparing myself to anyone, but comparison is something I think one needs to do occasionally to improve. In my particular case, it's comparing without becoming discouraged over my abysmal lack of talent.

It's all very difficult. Sigh.

In other news: 

I need to write two 1000 word assignments by wednesday. I have a mid semester exam on saturday. I have another 1000 worder on the following monday. Not as bad as i previously thought. 

Who here is looking forward to easter holidays?!

Mar. 26th, 2009

 I am resolving to post more - everything in here is negative and I'm really not like that in general. Well, sometimes, and a fair bit recently, but not REEEEALLY.  I'd like to think i'm a fairly positive person on the whole, and my posts have not reflected that.

There's a show on SBS at the moment about a girl wanting to become a geisha in modern times. It's really interesting to know this stuff still goes on. Looking into other cultures is fascinating for me. Particularly Japan. I plan to live there some day.

Emile came over last night. He's such a lovely friend - someone i know i can slightly molest and they wont get the wrong idea.  What? I'm a touchy feely person, and while i do realise that not everyone is like this, it's nice to have at least one friend who is.  I don't know why I am the way I am, but I don't think being affectionate and a little silly is a bad thing. I'm glad that I have a few people in my world who enjoy it as much as I do.

We buried Annie under the peach tree yesterday. It was a simple little thing, Dad and I stood there quietly and leaned on each other. He was as upset as me about the whole process, but we've both become a bit more at peace now that she's home. It's sad, but she'll always be in my heart.

RIP Annie.

 Annie was hit by a car on friday, and died shortly after. Dad got a call yesterday about it after the posters we stuck up.



She was a really good kitty. Affectionate, silly, and stupid. I will always have good memories of her.



We're going to have her cremated, and scatter the ashes underneath the peach tree. She always loved sitting there.


...yeh.
I am at the hospital, waiting for vilma, my case manager.

These things always leave me in a foul mood. I'm not happy.

Fat! So?

My rage has been turned into amusement by the twitterverse. One day, the fat people will rise up and eat their skeletal bigoted overlords.

Until then, I plan to draw a picture of a chunky hand raised in power, holding a ham. Or perhaps a donut.

YES I KNOW THAT MOST FAT PEOPLE AREN'T FAT BECAUSE OF FOOD. ITS IRONIC. SHUSH.
I think I'm becoming done with regular blogging.

How odd.

Feb. 8th, 2009

I'm thinking of stopping my writing from an emotional point of view; it has a tendency to get me in trouble.

Facts and nothing but, baby.

and by bad I mean spectacularly awesome.

If you don't want to know about my body stuff, skip this entry.

I've been in a fneh mood due to my tremendous poop and vomit session. It was DISGUSTING how much I threw up, and at one stage I ended up with chunks of half-disgested ham in my nasal cavity. Ohmygodgross.

Other than that today has been alright, I suppose. Despite my physical ills, I'm feeling mentally empowered. Go me and my bad self.

Janey: on the warpath.

I shouldn't read comments on news websites. They're always so daft and infuriating.

So here's the rant:

I'm fat, and have been for 99.9% of my life. Much to people's horror, I like being fat. I'm sick of people telling me all the reasons I need to lose weight. Since when did it become ANYONE'S business but my own? Is my fat hurting anyone? Even if you believe that obesity is an epidemic and I'm harming my body by being this way, isn't it my right to choose what I do with my body? It's not like smoking - you can't be a victim of passive fatso. What business is it of yours to give me disapproving looks when I'm standing in line at the supermarket? Who made you the grand poobah of what's right and what's wrong? I'm sick to death of the prejudice and constant judgement I receive from ignorant bigots. I'm so fucking sick of people trying to make me feel bad purely because of personal opinion. You can all go and get FUCKED if you think I should lose weight, regardless of the reason. What's that, you say? It's better for my health? Fuck you, motherfucker! Not that you have any right to know, but I am in perfect health. I get checkups and screenings more regularly than most people and I, at 130 kilograms, am in substantially better health than my sister, who weighs a third of that. It pisses me off that fats are targeted purely because of weight. To be targeted at all sucks, but it just INFURIATES me when members of general society give me weight loss tips and then look at me expectantly like I should THANK them for insulting me. Just because you're fat doesn't mean you're unhealthy, and just because you're thin doesn't make you a picture of health. It's as absurd as saying "black people are naturally healthier than white people because of the colour of their skin" - it's just such a bigoted way of thinking. And the sad thing? It's socially acceptable to think this way! Fat people shouldn't be allowed! If you have a waist measurement over howevermany centimetres, you should be chastised and ridiculed! You'll never be a productive member of society when you look like that! ARGH!

What's that? People with weight issues choose to be this way, so it's okay to tell them off? If they put down the food they'd be fine? First of all - fuck you. It's none of your fucking business how I or anyone else looks. If my flab offends you, stab your fucking eyes out. I refuse to change for that kind of pseudo- reasoning. Second of all, SO MANY of the fats I know eat like birds. Less than birds! And they've been worked up into a tizzy over their eating habits purely because they are constantly judged by horrible bigots who feel it necessary to prey on insecurities. And if those bigots are called out on being dickheads? Well, it's okay because the person being humiliated really needs to lose some pounds, they should put down the twinkies!

I don't want to have to feel the need to justify who I am to both strangers and friends. Why isn't it good enough that I like me? Why do people want to change something about myself that I'm actually happy with? I just... I'm angry about it, truthfully.

This year is going to involve less shitfuckery. I am over pandering to others and trying to be non-confrontational. If I'm bothered by you or the things you've done - you'll know. By golly, you'll know.

my theory:

People see what they want to see. I can't change that; all I can be is who I am, and enjoy myself along the way. In doing that, I hope that people will gravitate towards me that appreciate me simply for being me.

If you don't, then that sucks, but my world won't end. I don't have to be best friends with everyone, and those people who don't like me aren't going to be worst enemies, either.

The world is all shades of grey, cliche as that may be. Everyone has their flaws, and I think that as long as people's good points outweigh the bad, they're worth keeping around.

I'm just rambling here now. Goodnight, kids.

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I'm more interesting on the internet.

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