On monday I did a photo shoot with my friend David for Rosie's; a charity that helps homeless people in a number of ways. While they have their roots in catholicism, i really agree with what they do on a larger scale; I think it's important for people to feel cared about. For people to know they are worth the effort is an important part of life, for me at least. It seems as though a lot of homeless people are ignored by the general population because they aren't considered pleasant or attractive in any form... and that's a pity when people do that, in my opinion. I believe that every human has value, and everyone has their own beauty to contribute to the world. It's sad when people don't step outside whatever their own little box is to see that.

If anyone wants to take a look at the photos, i've posted some over onto Flickr. I was trying to convey the loneliness that can come with being a homeless person, and the feeling of despair that many must go through. I borrowed my cousin's camera; a Canon EOS 500D. I gotta admit it's a pretty sweet piece.  When I get back from the Americas I am considering getting one. Well, maybe I'll work it into the business loan thing I plan to apply for in the future. Otherwise it'll be a couple of years, heh.

This shoot really cemented the fact that I love photography, but also that I feel I am good enough at it to earn a crust.  Mum has several friends who I could do work experience for (if i asked nicely), and for me it's a continual learning process without being boring or daunting. 


Other than that, I am a little sad today.  I miss having Annie sleep on my bed so much so that I am getting little pangs in my stomach as I think about it. She was a good friend, and the fact that we equally loved cuddles was really awesome. I miss that cat.

Love to all, especially Evan.

I saw Grug books for sale in the window of a bookstore on Wednesday. I nearly hyperventilated, the fact they are bringing him back is awesome. For those who don't know, my LJ icon is a picture of Grug, who is possibly my favourite fictional character of all time. (Either him or Jesus, i can't make up my mind just yet.)

This week has been fraught with unusual. Next week involves quite a lot of awesome and unusual.

Yay awesome and unusual.

Today I am thankful I don't live on Kessels Road, for Suzie, for Richard, and for mum.

Yay, friends.

I've been thinking about what I'm going to do career-wise for a little while now. In case I didn't mention it, Natalie and I have disbanded the partnership to take on other commitments. Thoughts of my career are overwhelming me, truth be told. How the fuck can I have had this many existential crises when i'm so young? It's bizarre. I kind of want to pursue the idea I had, of becoming a wedding and portraiture photographer... but I'm worried I won't be good enough. I'm overwhelmed at the thought of doing the business plan too, and having to do all that market research and... yeh. I don't know, it's a scary proposition. That being said, if I did up a good enough business plan, I could apply for a loan through the bizness babes program for the equipment and startup capital needed, so that would take care of a big concern for me.

I am scared of failure. I am scared of quitting. I don't want to be a quitter for the rest of my life. Giving up when discouraged is such a me thing to do, and I'm over doing it to be honest. I don't want to give up on something just because it's hard, or for that particular moment i'm not enjoying it. Most of you already know that's something I've done in the past, and while often it's because of my mental health... occasionally it's just because I'm bored/tired/sad/lazy.

Should I go for it? I'm scared, for so many reasons. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a blanket and never resurface, but if I don't stop living in fear my life is going to be cripplingly bland. I don't want my mental illness to control my life. It's a part of me and I have come to terms with that for the most part, but it will not control my life. I do not want to look back and feel disgust at the person I was, and I will if I don't take a chance. However I fear failure, and I would need to do an immense amount of market research before even contemplating taking this step. That's something I might actually be able to do before my trip though; it would keep me busy to say the least.

The business aspect aside, I am unsure I am a good enough photographer to succeed. As sad as this is to say, I don't believe you have to be the best photographer in the world to succeed in it as a business - looking at many portfolios has taught me that. I'd like to think I have an okay eye for things, but I would also need to learn the intricacies of photoshop (oh god help). If anyone wants to spend an afternoon or two helping me out, I'd gift you a free photo shoot. Or pay you in hugs, spinach pie, and car rides.

My new perfume smells of goji berries and oranges. It's intoxicating.

So how you doin'?

I've missed too many days of livejournal to be bothered catching up on my faves. If you were past 160 entries back, you've missed me. If something major is going on, do tell me though, as I do care but have been busy with doctors appointments.

The results of my catscan were "inconclusive" which means they found fuck all. On the plus side, this means I don't have a brain tumour. EETS NADDA TUMA. On the minus it means I still don't know the cause of the headaches/nosebleeds - though i've only had one superbad nosebleed so far this week so i'm well chuffed. I know it's bad but unless it's a gushing torrent, i just sniff the blood down my throat. I like the taste of of my blood, weirdly.

I got my driver's licence on monday. It's freaking me out more than a little bit, but OH MY GOD i'm loving the freedom it's giving me. Granted, i really can't afford petrol and i'm using it like it's going out of style, but meh. My credit card will just have to deal, okay? I have just needed to get out of the house, and the car has been an awesome outlet for me to do that. The novelty will wear off soon I'm sure, but until then... MAN it's fun.

Other than that, not a lot has been going on in my life. I'm taking on a lot of domestic responsibilities such as washing and ironing, since I am currently feeling utterly useless regarding my "career". The real thing is that I don't know what I want to do. I kind of want to be a photographer, but i'm scared about it. Firstly because it's something I enjoy doing and I'm afraid of ruining it, but secondly because I'm not sure I'm good enough.

I don't know. UGH. Deciding on a career is really difficult for me. It always has been; I could do anything if i applied myself, and everything interests me a fair bit.... but it's difficult to find passion, yaknow? (NO TIMMY NOOO lol Passions) All I know is that I want to help people, in one way or another. Make others feel good about themselves, and help them realise how awesome they are/can be. I am passionate about that more than anything else, as my feelings of joy often feed from other peoples' joy... Is that weird? Probably, but eh. I don't care much even if you think it is!

Okay, bed now. Need to wake up at stupid o'clock to drive mum to work.

When I was a kid and lived in Taringa, mum used to take us to one of the local parks - the rocketship park, we called it. It basically had a giant (quite dangerous) structure in the shape of a rocketship, that you could climb up. Oh my god, we'd spend HOURS on it. They took it down probably fifteen years ago, but I still call the park the rocketship park. It's funny the things you remember.

I got my driver's licence today. Phew, that was a freakin scary ordeal, because he made me do a hillstart and a reverse park AND drive on the ipswich motorway. At least I didn't have to do a 3 point turn, else I probably would have failed. Tomorrow after I get my catscan results, I'm going to go on a photo expedition around Brisbane. YAY DRIVING.

If anyone fancies joining me, lemme know.

Too tired to write more.

Tell me a memory from your childhood.

I can't sleep. Boo-urns.

Tell me stories.

Today I am thankful for friends who pull me out of my emotional quagmires - especially Ri, Sarah and Lucas.

I am SO thankful that the headache I've had for the past month and a half disappeared this afternoon, and hasn't yet returned. Fuck YES. It's nice not to feel as miserable, and hopefully it'll last.

I'm also thankful that my aunt loves me as much as I love her. I should do something nice for her. What do you think I should do?

I am thankful that I didn't crash the car this evening, and for singing along to the Beatles with my mum.

I am thankful that the bad times pass, and all of my friends still love and care about me even when I'm being silly. Know that I love and care about you all, too.

<3<3

You are not a unique snowflake.

And you do not deserve special treatment simply because you think you are clever or wonderful, or talented. And anyway, you squander what talent you do have because you give up on everything. Seriously, everything. You make the wrong decisions time and time again - even when people offer you the right ones. You are not more deserving - in fact you are LESS deserving than most people because you're a self-involved wanker who can't step outside of their own world long enough to realise that actions have consequences. Words have power, actions have consequences, and no matter how much you say you're okay on the surface, everybody knows the truth. Everybody knows you're a weak, lonely, talentless ditz.

Today I hate my brain.

I feel sad. Fucking emotions. It's also partly because I am feeling useless; my inability to do anything is really creating brain havoc. It's interesting, because even if i weren't incapacitated with the whole illness thing, I doubt I would be doing anything anyway. Before this all came on I was feeling a bit useless and... yeah. I still feel unmotivated and sad. I mean, what's the fucking point you know? I can't rely on myself let alone other people; it's all too hard and disappointing to be honest. I want to give up right now.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can make money quickly? The catscan and mri are going to eat up my new york money, so i need to think of a way to raise funds quickly. 71 days quickly. Bonus points if I can do it from bed.

In my times of feeling depressed, lonely and isolated it is really easy to forget that many many people also feel the same way. And while each person's experience is different, I hope others also take comfort in the fact that they, ironically, aren't alone in their loneliness.

My health has gone from bad to worse - I don't know if I will be leaving the house this week. On top of the dizzying headaches, i'm getting gushing nosebleeds at least twice a day. I'm just... so tired of it. Going back to the doctor this week. I just feel so weak and... useless. The illness, whatever it is, is feeding my depression. Wanting to be social and not being physically able to is something that i really haven't missed - the last time this happened was..... five years ago? A while, anyway.

I don't understand doing things to be ironic. I see all these scene kids who wear outfits that require explanation and it really truly bothers me - not because I think they should stop expressing their style, but because 99% of them are pretentious precocious wankbats who need a good hard dose of reality.
I may be turning into a grumpy old woman.

I just spent a good five minutes watching my mum sort laundry. I know this sounds incredibly voyeuristic but I really enjoy watching people who don't know they are being watched. In a similar vein, I've been thinking about doing some photography. If any of you people (in Brisbane at least) are keen on helping me expand my portfolio, let me know in the comments, or flick me an email.

I've been coping with depression recently.  I know it's mainly situational, but... yeh.  The lows have been winning out.

It's funny, but I've also recently let go of a lot of crap I was hanging onto to. Whether I needed to hang onto those emotions and memories to feel something, or just because I couldn't forgive myself for things that weren't even my fault.... I now have closure. It only took 10-15 years of hardcore analysing, but yep.  I'm moving onwards.

What do you think I should write about?

On my friends list:

Someone is Sylvia Plath
Someone is Coco Chanel
Someone is Salvador Dali
Someone is Tony Hawk
Someone is Noel Fielding
Someone is Beth Ditto
Someone is Paul Newman
Someone is Donald Trump
Someone is Oprah Winfrey
Someone is Robert Frost
Someone is the Dalai Lama.

 I think that one of my friends may have sticky fingers.  After every party I have had, something has gone missing. First it was a book of my dad's, and then it was several of my DVDs, and now it's a small silver box owned by my mum. It sucks not being able to trust people. And I honestly cannot understand why you would or how you could steal something owned by a friend who has invited you into their home.

I don't think I'll be having any more parties here, to be honest. That makes me sad.

Things are otherwise going okay.  I am less depressed than yesterday, for the most part. I need to stock up on essentials like soap and moisturiser, but my cash supply is so low it's painful. Having this stupid Catscan has set me back financially, so i'm trying to put all my money into new york savings straight away. If the plane tickets were refundable I'd even consider postponing my trip - sadly that's not an option. Thank fuck i'm staying with friends for the most part, is all i can say.  Although I am doing a three night stint in NYC where I stay in a hotel - those are the nights I'm going to Broadway shows.  I'm actually thankful that one of my tickets was cancelled, because I really really don't have the cash for it.  It's fecking sad, man. I'm also staying at a hotel when I visit Julie and her fam in Virginia for Thanksgiving.  I am so excited about that, but nervous too. I hope I don't make a social faux pas.  

That's one of my biggest fears you know. The idea of offending someone mortifies me. The only fear I have that is greater is that people will realise how fraudulent my whole life is, and how i'm not nearly as good/fabulous/exciting/whatever as they first thought. 

I have deep issues with self worth, and how I believe others perceive me.  It is something I will continue to work on.  It is something that everyone has to deal with in one way or another. Change has happened in comparison to where I was ten years ago, and change will happen in the future. I look forward to a time where how I feel about the person on the inside matches how I feel about the person on the outside.  It's funny, most people hate the physical and are okay with their emotional sides.  I'm totally the opposite. A narcissist with emotional trauma, obviously.

It's too late to be awake.  Mum is taking me to the Ekka on friday, if anyone is interested in coming.

Today I feel sad. Unloved. Unlovable. Worthless, crappy, useless and a waste of space. I feel as though nobody wants me as a friend, lover, business colleague, family member. I am held at arm's length, and hold people in the same way for fear of emotional annihilation. And every connection I have worked at cultivating is all for naught. Because who am I?

I'm not doing anything, and it feels as though every time I take a chance and dip my toe into a new experience I fail at it miserably. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, and it's not fair of me to ask anyone to stop what they're doing just to placate me and my stupid feelings. I need to learn to harden the fuck up and just accept that I can't be friends with everyone. And that not everyone is going to like me.

Sometimes I feel as though I help people so they wont see how fragile I am.  But I am. So fragile. And I need help sometimes, but I don't know how to tell people. Sometimes I just want to scream "It's not always about you!!" but I know it wont stop. And the voices in my head ask why anyone would want to help me anyway? I just want someone to help me in the way I need to be helped, but I know it's not possible. Because nobody can.

I know this feeling will pass. I know it's just today.

But today I am intolerably inexorably alone.

  So tomorrow I'm heading over to Sarah and Simone's house, to look after their adorable little guinea pigs and budgies for the weekend. I'm rather looking forward to it. Tomorrow I'm also having lunch with Celia and Cara, and then doing photos in the afternoon until i meet up with Shelly, Emile, Mark and... some other people I can't think of for dinner. It'll be good. I might go to btub afterwards, but probably not. Excessive sociality scares me a little bit.

Yeh, tomorrow afternoon I'm going to go exploring the city again, and take some photos.  There's something I find really amazing about taking photos, and I've lost touch with it over the past few years. I'm sad about that, but I plan to improve my skills in these next few months with doing some exploration.  It'll be easier once I get my licence; I have some locations in mind that I really want to shoot but it might be a bit difficult without a car.  I might also ask a few friends to improve my portfolio by taking some shots. Hmmm. It's something I'm going to work on because it's enjoyable to me.

It's weird, you know. The past few weeks I've really thought about what I want to be doing.  I don't want to work conventionally. Having an employer is a comfort, sure, but I've noticed that I'm kind of a control freak.  I hate being told what to do. And I want to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. This may mean poverty, this may mean working endless feckless casual jobs, this may mean living with my parents for the rest of my life. None of those things truly bother me, though. If they did then I would probably change it.

Is that weird?  It's weird I know.  People think I'm strange for enjoying living with my parents. I'm odd for loving my life as it as, I guess. My life... is odd.  I mean, my parents drive me batshit insane, but definitely not enough to make me need to move out. Mental illness controls a lot of the things I do, still. I'm aware that I'm not right in the head. But for the most part I've realised that I -really- don't care about living up to what other people think I should have, and should be. And it's weird, because I've always thought I should do things a certain way, be a certain person.

But I'm not. I'm me. Good and bad and awesome and all things in between, I'm me. I am not going to do what people think I should do if the only reason is because it's "the way it's done" yaknow? I'm not going to get sixty piercings and tattoos just to express my individuality (though I would if I wanted to) because that's not really who I am right now. 

I'm just musing. Trying to write more.  Today I am thankful for my mummy.

I have been a busy bee recently. With four different business propositions (two with other people, and two on my own) I'm both overwhelmed and excited. At some stage in the future, i'm going to have to make a decision on which ones I want to pursue, but for now it's manageable. (that's mainly because people are too busy/unwell to do stuff, and while it sucks for them it's quite convenient for me right now.)

I am glad that I have left uni. It's not something I was interested in. I am glad my time is currently very flexible, because I don't really have the mental or physical capacity to take on everything right now. 

Dinner is ready.

I always say this, but I really am going to try to write in here more.  And I'm not going to censor anything anymore. That ends now.

I wish I knew how to harden the fuck up against my Dad.

His anger crumples me, and I can't rely on him changing so I need to... yeh. Harden up. I've tried everything with regards to CBT, i know why he does and says the things he does, i know all the theory behind it. I have discussed my feelings and concerns previously with him. He doesn't want to change, and it's unfair for me to expect him to, i guess.

I wish he realised how hurtful he can be. I wish he thought his family was more important than Freemasonry, and chess, and fishing. I wish he cared more about me in a conventional way instead of the bitchy snarky way. I wish for a lot of things that are out of my control. heh.

Today I saw my sister in a different light, and I have to say that I'm so fucking lucky she is in my life. I love her, more than words could ever express.  I... I am emotional right now, but the car trip we just had together was one of the more meaningful moments of my life. 

If more people were like her, the world would be a better place.

 Why do people on the internet always assume that i am OUT TO GET THEM. I'm not, i swear! 

I'm a disgustingly cheerful person in the real world, do I just come off as a bitch or something on the internet? Is it me?? Am I a bitch?  WHY AM I A BITCH?!

For future reference: if i'm saying something with intent towards you, you'll know. Srsly, i'll go HEY BITCH, I HATE YOU AND YOUR VAGINA IS FULL OF MOULDY GRAVY. Or something. 

It's just ridiculous.

Ugh.