I wish I knew how to harden the fuck up against my Dad.

His anger crumples me, and I can't rely on him changing so I need to... yeh. Harden up. I've tried everything with regards to CBT, i know why he does and says the things he does, i know all the theory behind it. I have discussed my feelings and concerns previously with him. He doesn't want to change, and it's unfair for me to expect him to, i guess.

I wish he realised how hurtful he can be. I wish he thought his family was more important than Freemasonry, and chess, and fishing. I wish he cared more about me in a conventional way instead of the bitchy snarky way. I wish for a lot of things that are out of my control. heh.

Today I saw my sister in a different light, and I have to say that I'm so fucking lucky she is in my life. I love her, more than words could ever express.  I... I am emotional right now, but the car trip we just had together was one of the more meaningful moments of my life. 

If more people were like her, the world would be a better place.

 Why do people on the internet always assume that i am OUT TO GET THEM. I'm not, i swear! 

I'm a disgustingly cheerful person in the real world, do I just come off as a bitch or something on the internet? Is it me?? Am I a bitch?  WHY AM I A BITCH?!

For future reference: if i'm saying something with intent towards you, you'll know. Srsly, i'll go HEY BITCH, I HATE YOU AND YOUR VAGINA IS FULL OF MOULDY GRAVY. Or something. 

It's just ridiculous.

Ugh.

I am solutions oriented. But I had to train myself to be this way.

I am deeply insecure, but only when i'm around other people. When I am alone, i become enamoured with my intricacies. 

I love helping people, even (and often) when it's to my detriment.

I always assume people know better than I do.

I dismiss the things I do know and am good at as unworthy.

I feel like a talentless hack 90% of the time.

I compare myself to others too often.

I am really good at faking it.

I try to diffuse situations by trying to show people how the other side might be feeling. I have lost friends due to this tactic.

I'm sad a lot of the time.

I make friends easily.

I am bad at keeping up friendships, because I am scared of emotional intimacy.

My favourite word at the moment is flummery, which my aunt makes every time we go to her house.

My left breast is aching.

I couldn't be bothered writing about things in my life right now - they all seem like random tidbits that have no cohesion, and frankly? I like cohesion.  Every time i say "frankly" i think about Lano and Woodley.

Ask me some questions, my lovely readers.  Tell me what you think I should be writing about.

I have so much I want to write about today, but i'm so physically and emotionally drained that this entry is going to have to wait until tomorrow. But to remind myself (as well as give you a taste of things to come) here are some dot points.

• Vilma
• Feminist lady on the bus
• Vicks man
• Nanna day
• Nanna night
• British Ambos
• Poirot
• British security guard
• Medical tv/movie/radio shows
• Lack of insulation in my walls.
• More on social jealousy and anxiety.

That's the treat you're in for tomorrow. Stay tuned.

I'm going to make a commitment to post here every day for at least two weeks. This starts today. It's probably not going to be very interesting to anyone except myself, because I'm forcing myself to write. I have kinda sorta lost my writing mojo for anything more than 140 characters. Perhaps I shall forgo twitter for a little while, and get back into the whole journal thing.

For those who don't know, I am an advocate of fat acceptance, and killing all forms of discrimination against fats. Well, against anyone really, but my particular cause is eliminating bigotry towards fats. I feel that fat hatred is the last acceptable form of bigotry, and many people do not realise how their words and actions are utterly cruel and dehumanising. Today the Gruen Transfer had a big kerfuffle about a particular ad, which compared fat discrimination to things including the discrimination of race, religion and sexual preference. The ad in question wasn't shown on the show due to ABC editorial guidelines and how it may be offensive. We WERE given a link if we wished to visit the banned advertisement. http://www.antiprejudicead.net/ if you're interested.

Some of the comments in forums that have come from this have been positive; incredulous though it may seem, many people simply didn't realise how hurtful and cruel they were being. Others did, but didn't know how much of an effect it may have had. And then there was one other group, who said that comparing fats to jewish people, homosexuals or black people was completely erroneous - that the three groups discriminated against didn't have a choice when it comes to what they are discriminated against.

While I understand that we haven't had genocide, slavery or religious persecution to deal with, fats are daily (and often subconciously) discriminated against in one way or another. From the person who walks past me and says "wobble wobble wobble" into my ear to the chairs to that I can't comfortably fit into in the coffee shop to the disapproving stares if I'm eating out. From someone looking in my trolley and judging me when choosing ANYTHING at the store, right down to the sexual harrassment from drunk bogans who think I should be grateful simply because I'm fat. All of those incidents save one have happened in the past seven days. It happens more than people think. It's frustrating to see these sorts of attitudes. And let me clarify, I'm not saying that every type of discrimination is the same - it's obviously going to be completely circumstantial, differing greatly from case to case.

Even the Australian government is getting in on it, though. We have ads here saying if your waist measurement is over a certain size then you should really examine your lifestyle choices. It's under the heading "How will your choices measure up?", with the underlying tone of "YOU NEED TO BE SMALLER BECAUSE IT IS THE RIGHT WAY." This is what has happened (and sadly continues to happen in some places) with homosexuality. Because obviously they CHOOSE to be gay. It's their CHOICE but it's WRONG so let's PUNISH them. Make them feel bad for who they are, because it's our right! Because it's for the greater good! (Crusty jugglers!) Very few people CHOOSE to be fat. I personally have been large my whole life. I was shopping in adult sizes as early as nine years old, and was in plus sizes by eleven. And yes, I currently lead a sedentary lifestyle. But even when I was doing a fuckload of drugs and going days without eating, I was still a size fourteen at my smallest. And I was fucking unhappy then, let me tell you. There are SO MANY factors to weight. It's arrogant to assume that someone is chowing down on sticks of butter secretly, and that's why they're fat. Fucking people.

Fuck the supposed greater good. What right does anyone have to say what I should and shouldn't do with my body? I'm not hurting anyone, including myself! And why is my health based on arbitrary things such as like the Body Mass Index, instead of on an individual basis! Each human has a completely different body shape based on a number of genetic and physiological factors - none of which are incorporated into something as stupid as BMI. And yet people take it as gospel! It's ridiculous!!

Don't get me wrong, I know there are plenty of unhealthy fat people. But you know what? There are just as many unhealthy thin people! It should never be a size issue, it should ALWAYS be a health issue. Poor health does not automatically equate to fat. How do i measure up? Well, I have lower cholesterol and blood pressure than my (45 kilogram, size 6) sister, and while I personally do fuck all exercise, neither does she. And yet I am the one who receives the "should you really be eating that?" comments, and the lack of fashion choices. All of my fashion choices look like asymmetrical sacks.

I'm fat. So what? Whose business is that of anyone except myself? And as long as I like me, that should be all that matters. Skeletal stick figures aren't something to aspire to.

 I need to show people what it's like to live in my head.  

I need to figure out a way to do this.

Plan to start with a canvas, and see how I go.

Cramps are so many shades of evil that I want to cry. My back is sore, my front is sore.  I HATE MY UTERUS. I am also still buttacularly sick, and watched a really bad movie with jeff goldblum, alec baldwin and carrie-anne moss. And luke wilson. SO BAD. WHY DID I STAY AWAKE FOR IT.

I'm going to meet some dude from twitter tomorrow, pressdarling. He was bored and drunk and invited me for coffee, and I said yes because... I don't really know actually. I am bad with being social lately. Need to practice? Networking? I don't know.  It's an excuse to get out of the house, as my hermitude appears to be getting worse.

2am need sleeeep.

When i yawn, my left hand involuntarily makes a fist. Hunh.

I have hot rollers. I bought them with my sister's birthday money. Quite chuffed with the result, to be honest. It's going to take a little getting used to, but I'm glad that I've made this investment.

I hope to take more care of my physical appearance now I have a little more time. This is a shot without any product. I don't know how to use product without making my hair horrible, particularly the day after. At the moment I try not to overwash my hair, but I fear this may have to change if I use more stuff in my hair.




Now. Today I purchased my tickets to the americas. New York city from the 5th of November until the 30th of January.  Well, 28th, but i'll get back on the 30th due to crazy time differences. I'm lucky I have lots of friends who are letting me stay with them (particularly Bel and Richard, though I'll be mooching off Julie for thanksgiving, if she doesn't mind. ) 

I'm officially destitute for the rest of the year, so let's have some cheap/free get togethers, yes?

I need writing stimuli. The less I write, the less I am creative. Sorry all, you're going to have to deal with more posts. Again.

I have two assignments to do by the end of the week. One for management that involves packaging jelly babies to bribe my tute group with, and one for interactive writing, which was due last week but I got an extension.

I may extend the extension to next wednesday, it was sort of unofficial anyway. Frankly my creativity has dried up, and I cannot seem to kickstart it no matter what tactics I try.

Today my psychiatrist called me and said that if I didn't show up for another appointment then they would close my case at the royal brisbane hospital. Way to go, mental health team. I didn't even know I *had* an appointment today; I have received no notification of said missed appointments, so how am I supposed to know? Guh.

Perhaps I should see a private psychologist and just get meds top ups from my GP instead. Really, that's probably a good option considering how silly the psycholog and psychiatry is at rbh. I would prefer someone more stable. Someone I might actually be able to rely on emotionally, yaknow?

It is all very vexing, as Mrs Bennett says.

Today also involved hanging about with Ri. We got Hanaichi at Garden City and then went to Trade Secret. Now back when I last went to trade secret (a while ago, granted) they had plus size clothing up the wazoo! And now? Well I certainly didn't see anything that would fit my flabulous chunktacularity. It made me sad. There was a woman at the markets the other day who said she didn't sell her dresses in larger sizes because there is no demand for them. I said politely "I am here, demanding dresses. If there were something here for me I would have passed the word on to my fellow fatshionistas. Consider it a missed business opportunity."

She looked at me as though I was about to kill her! Oh, good times. I like that I'm much more outspoken about being a fat these days. Because I am proud to be the stylish lady that I am, and won't let haters get me down! Two strangers even called me cute today, and I got three comments on my awesome boots of awesomeness. KNEE HIGH BOOTS THAT FIT ALL AREAS. From Kmart, no less! Fitty dollah.

Tl;dr: mental health services need improvement, as does fatshion and body love. Also: give me topics to stimulate creativity plz.

I have a tendency not to post resolutions at the beginning of the year - i don't think most people stick to them, at least not the stereotypical "i will lose 20kgs and exercise every day and always start my assignments before the day they're due" ones. This is why previously I have made my resolutions in March.  Well, perhaps it's just laziness and my incessant desire to do things differently. I'm a rebel like that, yaknow.  Either way it has escaped me until now to make any firm goals for this year, and I do believe that should change.

Aaaaaanyway, i've been thinking about a few things recently and wanted to get them into the ether. Whether I achieve any of these is purely luck, donchaknow.

1. Eat more meals from home, instead of feeding my constant craving for starschmucks, teppanyaki time and lolly shop goodies. This is going to help my bank account, as well as (hopefully) improve my cooking skills.

......Man, even I don't believe that last part.  I may stop eating as much bought stuff, but if history dictates future actions then i'll be eating many crackers and cup noodles.  My cooking skills are always going to revolve around the easiest option possible, as I loathe cooking. Loathe it.  Several friends cook, and do some brilliantly nomable treats, but I find the whole cooking shenanigan to be horrific at best.  I cannot understand why people would even like cooking, let alone love it. (Though i'm glad you all do. Feel free to cook for me. Often.)

Perhaps I was cut out to be a snooty restaurant critic. Humm. TANGENT!

2. Debt free by Christmas.  I said this last Christmas, and i managed to do it somehow, but also managed to rack up an exorbitant amount on... stuff. I attribute 90% of the stuff to one ikea trip. One should never let me loose in such a place, it is riddled with temptation. Ikea addiction, yessirree!!

3. Work on my fitness levels.  I need to get my asthma checked out, because it's bitten me in the butt (or, lungs) even worse than usual with the seasonal change.  And i also found out that the whole low blood pressure thing (that I may have forgotten to tell you about) is because of a medication I can't stop taking, but it's not super-harmful to me. And i'm not bleeding internally, which is a plus.

These out of the way, I'd like to stop feeling like such a schlump.  It's just lethargy and a feeling of ookiness, and working out a little is going to help with these, I think. Energy is good.

4. Stop overreacting. Because... yeh. It's not working for anyone, at this stage.

So those are the goals for now, i guess.  Not huge for most people, but pretty big for me.

 I want to have a portfolio/blog/something that displays the things I do, including written works. I have a problem though, illogical though it may be.

I'm surrounded by people who do it better. And i am not saying this in a specifically derogatory fashion towards myself, but I am terrible at most things creative. I see people who do everything better than me. People can draw, model, produce, direct, and edit better than I can. I feel as though I bring nothing particularly new, or even good to the table.  It doesn't stop me from doing new projects, however it does greatly discourage me in posting anything to the greater world.  Knowing that there are so many people (including my friends) who can do things better than I can.... makes me inadequate. And I don't really know how to overcome it. Or even if I should bother.  

Given the industry I am getting into, i feel it rather necessary to have a body of works, or at the very least a somewhat professional blog. I think this comes down to never feeling quite good enough in the world. I shouldn't be comparing myself to anyone, but comparison is something I think one needs to do occasionally to improve. In my particular case, it's comparing without becoming discouraged over my abysmal lack of talent.

It's all very difficult. Sigh.

In other news: 

I need to write two 1000 word assignments by wednesday. I have a mid semester exam on saturday. I have another 1000 worder on the following monday. Not as bad as i previously thought. 

Who here is looking forward to easter holidays?!

 I am resolving to post more - everything in here is negative and I'm really not like that in general. Well, sometimes, and a fair bit recently, but not REEEEALLY.  I'd like to think i'm a fairly positive person on the whole, and my posts have not reflected that.

There's a show on SBS at the moment about a girl wanting to become a geisha in modern times. It's really interesting to know this stuff still goes on. Looking into other cultures is fascinating for me. Particularly Japan. I plan to live there some day.

Emile came over last night. He's such a lovely friend - someone i know i can slightly molest and they wont get the wrong idea.  What? I'm a touchy feely person, and while i do realise that not everyone is like this, it's nice to have at least one friend who is.  I don't know why I am the way I am, but I don't think being affectionate and a little silly is a bad thing. I'm glad that I have a few people in my world who enjoy it as much as I do.

We buried Annie under the peach tree yesterday. It was a simple little thing, Dad and I stood there quietly and leaned on each other. He was as upset as me about the whole process, but we've both become a bit more at peace now that she's home. It's sad, but she'll always be in my heart.

 Annie was hit by a car on friday, and died shortly after. Dad got a call yesterday about it after the posters we stuck up.



She was a really good kitty. Affectionate, silly, and stupid. I will always have good memories of her.



We're going to have her cremated, and scatter the ashes underneath the peach tree. She always loved sitting there.


...yeh.

I am at the hospital, waiting for vilma, my case manager.

These things always leave me in a foul mood. I'm not happy.

My rage has been turned into amusement by the twitterverse. One day, the fat people will rise up and eat their skeletal bigoted overlords.

Until then, I plan to draw a picture of a chunky hand raised in power, holding a ham. Or perhaps a donut.

YES I KNOW THAT MOST FAT PEOPLE AREN'T FAT BECAUSE OF FOOD. ITS IRONIC. SHUSH.

I think I'm becoming done with regular blogging.

How odd.

I'm thinking of stopping my writing from an emotional point of view; it has a tendency to get me in trouble.

Facts and nothing but, baby.

Today I am thankful.